The Grind
Alex says he is excited for me to go back to work so that he and I can share more experiences with Lilly as mom and dad. I, too, am looking forward to returning to my daily life and putting attention on something other than the baby.
For the first 6 weeks, Lilly and I toiled in breastfeeding purgatory - never knowing if it was going to work but constantly constantly constantly hopeful and trying to nurse. Then, that got sorted out. From week 7 to 15, she nursed every 2 hours 24/7 regardless of my "sleeping hours." I was dedicated to trudging through because of a combination of theories which prevented me from forcing her to go through a night without a feeding:
I believe the theories about the "Fourth Trimester" and that babies just need what they need in the first 12 weeks. So, if she was hungry every 2 hours 24/7, that's what we were doing. I also read a lot about trying new sleep routines and re-trying them later if a baby doesn't adapt well to the changes. And I believed that, at a certain stage, skipping a night feeding or 2 or 3 would not affect her overall weight gain. Specifically, there was a "magic weight" we had heard about -- either 13 or 15 pounds, where they can sleep through the night without getting hungry. Once she reached this point, I felt confident that she wasn't suffering from hunger if I let her cry it out a little bit at night and skip a feed. I remember weighing her and seeing that she was 13.1 lbs. I was relieved, but we still didn't try to skip any feedings just yet. It was about 15 weeks in that we went for the sleep training. She took to it immediately and was all set after just 2 days! Alex did a stand-up job.
Until week 15, I probably would have eagerly traded the daily baby grind for the daily work grind. Until that time, each day was an exhausting trial, revealing errors in our baby skills or our baby theory. By the time Alex would come home from work each day, I had been anxiously awaiting some relief for hours.
Side note: Several times each night, I would be in our bathroom in the dark before or after nursing Lilly, staring out the upstairs windows at this one giant crane building a high rise in the City. It reminded me of the Fountainhead and watching a building go up and feeling connected to it - in this case, just that I must be one of a small fraction of people staring at that crane every single night and day at the same times. That crane's lights pulsing in the dark night whether it was the 11pm, 1am, 3am, or 5am feeding, and it swaying and turning at work during the days. Sometimes it is shrouded in the fog and shitty weather, sometimes I can see so many details on a clear day.
But since week 13 or 15 or so, I've gotten the hang of Lilly. She's matured and our routines are set. I truly enjoy spending every day with her, even if I want someone to watch her for a few hours a week so I can get a massage, hair cut, or shop. Now that it is no longer emotionally and physically crushing, that baby grind isn't so bad after all.
Since the 7th month of being pregnant, I have been completely absorbed in a world of just me and her - that mother-baby dyad. Our special 1:1 time is giving way to the Real World and I can barely stand to let everyone and everything else come flooding in to take my attention away from her. But, I know it's good for us and just the normal course.
For the first 6 weeks, Lilly and I toiled in breastfeeding purgatory - never knowing if it was going to work but constantly constantly constantly hopeful and trying to nurse. Then, that got sorted out. From week 7 to 15, she nursed every 2 hours 24/7 regardless of my "sleeping hours." I was dedicated to trudging through because of a combination of theories which prevented me from forcing her to go through a night without a feeding:
I believe the theories about the "Fourth Trimester" and that babies just need what they need in the first 12 weeks. So, if she was hungry every 2 hours 24/7, that's what we were doing. I also read a lot about trying new sleep routines and re-trying them later if a baby doesn't adapt well to the changes. And I believed that, at a certain stage, skipping a night feeding or 2 or 3 would not affect her overall weight gain. Specifically, there was a "magic weight" we had heard about -- either 13 or 15 pounds, where they can sleep through the night without getting hungry. Once she reached this point, I felt confident that she wasn't suffering from hunger if I let her cry it out a little bit at night and skip a feed. I remember weighing her and seeing that she was 13.1 lbs. I was relieved, but we still didn't try to skip any feedings just yet. It was about 15 weeks in that we went for the sleep training. She took to it immediately and was all set after just 2 days! Alex did a stand-up job.
Until week 15, I probably would have eagerly traded the daily baby grind for the daily work grind. Until that time, each day was an exhausting trial, revealing errors in our baby skills or our baby theory. By the time Alex would come home from work each day, I had been anxiously awaiting some relief for hours.
Side note: Several times each night, I would be in our bathroom in the dark before or after nursing Lilly, staring out the upstairs windows at this one giant crane building a high rise in the City. It reminded me of the Fountainhead and watching a building go up and feeling connected to it - in this case, just that I must be one of a small fraction of people staring at that crane every single night and day at the same times. That crane's lights pulsing in the dark night whether it was the 11pm, 1am, 3am, or 5am feeding, and it swaying and turning at work during the days. Sometimes it is shrouded in the fog and shitty weather, sometimes I can see so many details on a clear day.
But since week 13 or 15 or so, I've gotten the hang of Lilly. She's matured and our routines are set. I truly enjoy spending every day with her, even if I want someone to watch her for a few hours a week so I can get a massage, hair cut, or shop. Now that it is no longer emotionally and physically crushing, that baby grind isn't so bad after all.
Since the 7th month of being pregnant, I have been completely absorbed in a world of just me and her - that mother-baby dyad. Our special 1:1 time is giving way to the Real World and I can barely stand to let everyone and everything else come flooding in to take my attention away from her. But, I know it's good for us and just the normal course.
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